8232021 journal

I’m in a haze. Like I’m beside my body as I see her move through this summer. This season of growth. So much of my time is spent in my head, tossing and turning at night, staring off curiously during the day. My mind has been constantly wondering about the perfect pieces I need to create my future, the doubts of my own experience and decisions, the hundreds of perspectives to consider, the ache and devastation of the world. There is so much swimming around in here.

When I consider my next moves as I grow my new business, I hear so many voices, I can’t make a move. It’s like I have to turn my brain off to even take one simple step forward. The actions I want to take are so inhibited by all of my fears. I want every single piece to be perfect.

I’ve felt extra alone. When I wake up and say goodbye to my person, I spend the rest of my day with myself. I think I am quite good company, however, the conversation is limited and the swimming thoughts just keep moving around me. I have so many hopes for my new business, for my life, for where to travel next, for what to make for dinner, what workout to do, how to make sense of the news. I have no one here to just think with. To toss around ideas. To help make these dreams become alive around me. Every bit feels like my own sole responsibility. Not to mention the blur of my work-life being at home. The haze of depression makes that even harder because when my thoughts aren’t speeding around me, I’m feeling empty and frozen.

I say all of this to get it out. I am actually quite content in this season. For all those messy bits, I’m so proud of how it's going, especially despite the anxiety of the world. The way I’m able to finally focus on the future rather than what is right in front of me. I am thinking that this uncomfortability I feel in my skin and in my brain is abreaking through. I can’t wait to see the new person that comes out the other end. It’s just a puberty of newness; choosing the things to focus my energy on, finding someone to take away the distracting bits of my life so I can prioritize. To let the past self go and find the pieces I want to bring with me into my new self.

I know what I need to do. I am moving towards it. I think the version of me, the one that arrives in a new decade of life soon, I think I am going to like her the most. This piece of it all is just quite itchy.